I only have my dreams

I love dreaming! I can shout it from the rooftops that I'd rather be in a deep deep sleep where I can imagine what I want, people like me back, and I escape dangers that couldn't otherwise. I am so thankful every time that I remember a very vivid dream upon waking. They somehow don't leave my mind, and take precedence over any other priorities I may have that day. I over analyze them, and replay them over and over for weeks after.

Last night I had a good one. It was a very long adventure with one person who I wish this could have happened with. I don't want to give too much information about this person, but in my waking life it is wrong for me to like them as much as I do. I think I even try to hide my feelings about them from myself for fear of severe depression, because they are always in close proximity to my day to day life that I wouldn't be able to concentrate on anything else...EVER! I am told by them to keep our one slip of friendship, on that glorious night, where nothing else seemed to matter, a complete secret, and somehow I should be able to erase this from my memory as they have? I am also told that I have to not let my emotions fall deeper than just friends because they don't have the same feelings about me.

But in my dream last night there were no rules, nor overbearing and impossible orders. We escaped a horrific natural disaster together and they only cared about me. It was our passion that got us through it. We held hands, held each other away from the approaching danger, and made passionate love. Why is it in my dreams I feel more alive than I do when I am awake? This seems so backwards. But the reality is, I'd rather just dream about them than actually have those dreams be a reality, because I don't have to be held responsible for my actions in my dreams, i don't have to feel guilty or deal with other peoples messy emotions.

And when I woke up I realized that my dreams are my best friend, because I was able to fantasize about this person for seven hours on end, and spend what felt like a week on this adventure with them, and when I wake up they still don't have the slightest clue. They still don't know that I'd like that to be a reality, maybe not the natural disaster part, but the rest, oh yes! But this is also what kills me while I'm awake, and what makes me realize that I only have my dreams, because it can not and will never be able to exist in reality.

Laughter

My art history professor made my mind wander onto a certain phenomenon recently. That is that we laugh because we are really scared. She began by explaining that babies when they play peek a boo with their mothers will laugh when the mother "disappears" by breaking eye contact with the baby, and then "re-appears" again. The baby does not have the mental capacity to explain this and therefore they are terrified by it, and don't know what to make of it, and laugh. Now, I'm not sure of all of the psychology and research behind this but I immediately equated it to my own experiences, and how I often laugh in awkward situations, and part of it may be because I am frightened of the awkwardness and therefore have to laugh. I'm perplexed by this! Thanks Professor for blowing my mind on a continual basis.

Do you watch porn?

Yes. Yes I do, and you do to! Everyone has watched porn at one point in their life! I absolutely hate it when people say they have never watched porn and think its disgusting or for the scum of the earth! Yes there are different types of porn and there are some kinds that appeal to some and others that are too much for others, but regardless, softcore, hardcore, dominatrics, foot fettish, someone watches it! The same goes for girls and admitting they masturbate  yes you have don't lie! Everyone does it, everyone likes it, SO WHAT? God made our arms long enough to reach down there because he knows it keeps us happy and not having to fuck everything that walks. Does that mean that were automatically porn stars, or child molesters? No, it means were HUMAN, congrat-u-fuckin-lations! K. I shut up now. got point across.

She & Him

Thank god for Pandora's She & Him radio station. Thanks to blasting this at this moment, I don't have to hear the voice behind that door. That voice that broke my heart, for the past 4 months. That cheated on me, and made me cry every night, but still I'd do anything for that voice. No more. Now its just me and my She & Him radio station, while he is laughing and telling jokes in my apartment. Isn't it horrible that I can see his body language, and see his smiling face even though the door is shut and i can only hear She & Him. Why would he torture me with his voice, why is he here, less than 5 feet away from me, with only a door separating us? My scars have not yet healed. I only started to tell my counselor about this, and you're making my wounds as fresh as they were just a few days ago. Why do I feel like he is talking louder, laughing louder? This is unbearable.

Red solo cup

or if you're me you fill that shit up.

Reminds me of that Toby Keith song, Red Solo Cup, I fill you up, let's have a party!

2008

So I was talking to an old boyfriend during this Christmas season, yes i am feeling desperate and loney, get over it. I sent him one message that said "Merry Christmas. It's been awhile, how are you?" Now, Whether I was looking for a spark to connect us or not This was a pretty neutral connection, right? Well I went to bed after I sent that, and In the morning I saw the reply that he sent "Merry Christmas Katie!! It has been, hasn't it? I'm doing really good. Work's treating me well and schools going great. How've you been?" I immediately went to reply to tell him how horribly busy my last semester was and hint at the problems me and my current man have been having. When I pressed send it said there was a problem because this address did not exist. While I was in a mad woman's frantic desperate lonely joy for having been replied to I noticed that his profile picture was the standard grey mans head that you get when you don't have a facebook picture, and when I clicked on his name I could no longer look at his timeline. What is this? Did he block me when he got the little glimmer that I wanted to get back with him secretly? Or did He delete his facebook because he was in one of his depressed moods again where he thought about killing himself? Or did his recent ex girl have his facebook password still and block me from him in a rage of jealously? I guess Ill never find out which it is because I dont have the courage to text him. Im not even sure if the number I have in my phone from 2008 is still his phone number. But I will not find out.